I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
You Might Also Like
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.