Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!

*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family

*doesn’t die

I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath