Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

What’s the matter, babe?

You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.

Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.

Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.

So, just me? Okay.

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?