Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.

ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic