I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
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I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this