I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
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Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong