Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.

~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland

Overheard at the hardware store today …

Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.

Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

[business negotiation]

Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.

*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*

Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.

Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.

Florida be like…

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.