I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
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Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.