I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
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I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once