I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
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NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
cyclists
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”