[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
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Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”