Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read

The Struggle

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children