[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
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I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.