Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

nothing saves money like being antisocial

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

hi why am I like this

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

That stupid look on my face, is my face

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.

Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?