Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great