Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

Admin smashed it 😂

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

🏠

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be