I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

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Establish dominance at the dentist by hitting them with a rock and asking if THAT is comfortable.


2 just lectured me for not having bacon in the house and brought me my shoes and pants….how’s your Sunday going?


Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”


“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog


Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.


fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats


Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.


Producer: Any ideas?
Bruce Willis: There are 4 elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Great! What else?
Bruce: You know there are five senses…
Half an hour later
Bruce: So what if there TWELVE monkeys?


The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.