I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
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RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
beware of dog
(jukin media)
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.