@AntozWolf

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

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@splendidcynic

Establish dominance at the dentist by hitting them with a rock and asking if THAT is comfortable.

@Ketih_the_Yeti

2 just lectured me for not having bacon in the house and brought me my shoes and pants….how’s your Sunday going?

@MikeBigby

Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”

@platinum2000

“Get over yourself.”

*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog

@Divergentmama

Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.

@dril

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

@IamJackBoot

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

@ItsAndyRyan

Producer: Any ideas?
Bruce Willis: There are 4 elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Great! What else?
Bruce: You know there are five senses…
Half an hour later
Bruce: So what if there TWELVE monkeys?

@daemonic3

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.