Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

satan: not today, microsoft teams

I am also baked goods

This might be the funniest tweet ever

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’