Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.

The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence

Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.