Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

Flowers bee like

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

Doctor: How did you get this black eye?

Me: Walked into a door

Doc: Really?

Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person

My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.

Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.