I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”