Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

Him: You look angry.

Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”

Me: “Bet.”

Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.