I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
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me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”