I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
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Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Weighing up my bread heating options
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Cat.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.