I don’t get marriage
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My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓