I don’t get marriage
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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
God tier horse name today on the sims
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
