I don’t get marriage
You Might Also Like
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
me 2 months after i graduated
Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Sounds like a bargain
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?