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“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again