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“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
i love meeting boys on tinder
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.