My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
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Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
White Castle for the Win
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.