Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

This 4th of July, please remember…

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?

Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.

Old old old old old west

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

Brb my Sims are getting married

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

[packing for work trip]

“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”