Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Do my kids help me cook? No.

But do they like what I cook? Also no.

Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*

I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?

ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes

[a 31st dog walks by]

ME: oh no

here we go again

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz

Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it

Dorothy: [inhaling]

Toto: FFS

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.