Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

[trust fall exercise at work]

CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!

M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.