I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
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Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
We all have our pet causes.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent