I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
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“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Said the murderer.
Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money