I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
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“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Oh boy, $150,000!
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
When I hear the noises of the house settling, I wonder what kind of owner it really wanted.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
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“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water