I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
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A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!