I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
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if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.