Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold

*cue explosion*

PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN

*fade to black*

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.