I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
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15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie