Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.

If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.

And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.