Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?

A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night

me: yeah they say most people do

him: but they’re usually asleep

me (crunching): semantics semantics

him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car