i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
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if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Need WebMD
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want