Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Talking to Europeans about healthcare feels like when you’re a kid and your rich friend shows you his toys.
“Wow you got the ambulance ride AND hernia surgery?? Oh. No, no, not me. I got the Uber and off-brand ice pack. Yeah they said it’s basically as good as the real thing.”

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you

Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.

Me: but I’ve had them forever.

Wife: exactly!

Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.

Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.

Me: you’re welcome?

Wife: no.

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.

“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”

I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.

It was.

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?