Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
D:
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M:
D:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

[First date after divorce]

Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

[on a date]

Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.