Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices

this post was so formative to me

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

Based Erika

Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.

Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

I have many caverns

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”