Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.

Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

ME: You win some, you lose some

WIFE: Where are the kids

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?