I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
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DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.