Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

HER: hey, do u come here often?

ME: all the time

HER: do u know if the bartender is single?

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Well, I couldn’t find-

W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

You look like you would fail a DNA test

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

I pray every night that I never become religious…

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.