Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

date: wow nice body

me: i like working out

date: it shows

me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho

going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.

Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage