I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
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Gods work.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
and this one
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
You have been warned.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same