Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.

Nice try Hitler

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*