I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
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I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??