Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

liiiiiiiiike

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.

8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes