I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
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Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I can also cook 😂
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
This will never not be funny 😭
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
What the hell happened here.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in