Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin

Day 2 of my diet

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out