Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

*asteroid approaches*

SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.

PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?

SCIENTISTS: None yet.

PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.

*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese