I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Every house has this drawer
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.