I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
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My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
lol
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.