I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.