Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.

And they are appalled.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?

*Laughs in 2020*

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

‘We both know you need to pee:’

~the monster under my bed

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people