Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

Tell me why I had to find out via HGTV house hunters that my OBGYN is searching for a house in Florida bc SHES MOVING???

opening twitter today

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

“A little help here, Danny?”

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.