i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
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When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
It will always be this
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Wait a second…
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.