i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
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Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too