i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
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Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?