Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death

If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

☠️ ☠️

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues

Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.