“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
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I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
S M O L
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper