I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
fly smarter, not harder
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious