I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
You Might Also Like
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Time heals everything 🙂
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Matt Goss
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
