I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
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My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras