I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
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Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I have accidentally spilled an entire jar of marmalade inside my hat.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Let’s Go
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Good lord
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party