I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
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I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?