“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
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Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
If only my mum knew how popular I am on Twitter, she’ll stop sending me up and down the streets to get soup ingredients for her. 😂😂😂
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
RIP 2012 (2012-2012)
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared
me: i think I misunderstood the assignment
wife: just read what you have honey
me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U