I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

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Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.


9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*


If only my mum knew how popular I am on Twitter, she’ll stop sending me up and down the streets to get soup ingredients for her. 😂😂😂


Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*



My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.


And the Best McDonald’s Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.


No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.


priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared

me: i think I misunderstood the assignment

wife: just read what you have honey

me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U