Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller

Them: You should try keto
Me:

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

😭😭

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

the answer was staring at me all along

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.