I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
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Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.