Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]

Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.

Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.